47. Crying Like a Church on Monday

Tuesday, November 6, 2007
So, I cried yesterday/last night. My paranoia and anxiety are getting the best of me. I'm freaking out all the damn time and I can barely control myself anymore. Damnit, I know that I'm not good for the one I love. I know that she's probably a hundred times better matched for him than I am and will ever be. I know he'll end up liking her more than he likes me. They have way more in common. And yet I still guilt him into staying with me. I want to stop. I want to tell him that he should leave me and find happiness elsewhere, because I know that he'll never be complete with me; I'm not his other half; I'm not even half a person myself. I've been ripped apart and sloppily pieced together too many times. So much so that I'm falling apart now. And I refuse to let him help me. I refuse to truly believe and/or trust that he loves me. Why? Because I hate myself. I know that I am nothing and I thin that he's beginning to see it too. Sometimse, when he talks about how much he loves me, I'm not sure if he's trying to convince me, the other person, or himself. I just don't know anymore. I guess I would rather him leave me already; I'd rather love in pain than be torturing myself over this. I know it is going to happen so I'd rather it happen already so my impending doom will not be hanging over my head anymore.