43. Fractures in the Facade

Thursday, November 1, 2007
I have noticed that I am very different from the way some others perceive me. They consider me to be very smart, brave, crazy, fearless, punk, goth, mad, hyper, etc. I am so completely different from this. I am stupid and not that well-read. Unmotivated and apathetic, and I wish that I could care more. I am such a coward that it's amazing and I'm so weak-hearted that I'm soft in the middle. I really am crazy, but not in a good way; I am paranoid and forlorn. I am afraid of many things and cannot accept my failures, not matter how much I attempt to shake things off. I'm too mainstream to be punk, too religion fearing to be goth, too depressed to be angry at anyone but myself. And too tired to be hyper. I am nothing special, nothing to remember, not one to make a fuss about or to bother with. Sometimes I step back and wonder how I am friends with so many people. I am not a good friend, nor am I a good girlfriend. I am nothing, if not a good actress. If I can make everyone else believe that I am happy, then maybe I could convince myself that I am okay.

if I can make myself believe, the rest is easy