30. Hunger

Monday, October 22, 2007
I notice that I feel the most fat when I'm hungry. As if I don't feel fat enough, my hunger is just a reminder that I feel the need to get even fatter than I already am. As if my friends weren't a constant reminder that I'm the fattest out of them all, all of them can afford to eat as much as I do. Now I know that I may sound self-conscious, but my clothes don't fit so well anymore. I feel fat and squishy and weak and lazy and I don't want to feel like that anymore. Damnit, I just hat everything about my appearance. I know that I'm fat and ugly and I wish that I wasn't. I want my clothes to fit right. I don't want the extra fattyness that I feel around me anymore. I feel greasy and dried out. I feel expanded and stretched. and I'm hungry...really hungry. But I never want to eat again. I think that this must be how anorexia or bulimia starts. Though I know that I'll never get to that point, I sometimes think that I need to try it for a while. Damnit, I'm a motherfucking cow. a dyslexic cow. oomomoomoom.