Hit, Missed, and All Written Down

114. Can't Pretend

2009-08-30T01:47:00.000-07:00

Monday, August 11, 2008
that I give a fuck anymore. We aren't together anymore and that is how it'll stay. You don't like Harry Potter and will never even be close to being my Remus. You don't do crazy things and aren't as strong as my Dragon Ash. I feel bad but at the same time, I just want to talk about Eric and Ash all the time because they make me feel things that I never felt with you. At Harry Potter night, Eric dressed up and that's why I hopelessly flirted with him: he liked something that I loved but you never understood. You never listened to the music I suggested, really, until Aaron came along and played it all for you. You didn't fake anything while we were together and I'm not going to anymore since we aren't.

113. Stevie Kalei (Mahekona)

2009-08-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

Thursday, August 7, 2008
I think is what my name is in this play. I get to act with Jason Scott Lee and be 12 and all that good shit. I fucking think this shit is hilarious. I fucking Christian saved the day!!! But with, basically less than a week to go before showtime, I'm fucking FREAKING OUT, MAN. I just hope this show goes well and that we make it through.

112. Blankets and Sheets (7:45AM)

2009-08-30T01:41:00.000-07:00

Thursday, August 7, 2008
is what got messed up today. Remus woke me up at 7:45 in the fucking morning; I swear, he is basically the only person who could wake me up that early without me getting mad. 7:45AM to around 11L20ush at my house and his smell may or may not still be only my blankets ans sheets...but it was nice laying with him. And he actually said "and you're lucky I love you..." <3 my werewolf and that charming bastard got me to take him inside, crawl on top of him, give him a little bit of a handjob and a little little bit of a blowjob. That charming bastard. I fucking love him. OH OH OH and the thing that made me happiest...I don't him that I MIGHT do the blowjob (because he said it was too soon for sex) if he kissed me, and he kissed me. That made me happy because that was what I wanted from him for a long time. My Remus, you know I love you; too too much...not like we care. :p Oh, and you know that lollipop is my happy song, babe.

111. Jana

2009-08-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

Saturday, July 12, 2008
My big sister, best friend and lets face it, my love. I adore her; my sister who took care of me and protected me when no one else would. And the only person who I would do anything for. I love her. LOVE. L-O-V-E and miss her every day. She is the only person who I have thought of every single day since I first met her. She is the only person that I know FOR SURE that will be in my mind for the rest of all time.

110. < / 3

2009-08-30T01:37:00.001-07:00

Saturday, July 12, 2008
Who knew that being taken off of a top 8 would make me so sad. I guess it is because it is Tomasu. And that means that I am not, something. I don't know, but this makes me really sad and now I feel bad and want to listen to emo. I feel unimportant now. Fuck.

109. Cobalt and Calcium

2009-08-30T01:35:00.000-07:00

Thursday, July 10, 2008
~Where I will annoy you, with every waking breath, until you decide to wake up
~Now listen well, will you marry me? and are you will in the Suffering?
~And when the answer that you want is in the question that you state
~please don't tell my secrets, keep, them hidden

108. Special

2009-08-30T01:32:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Eric made me feel special today in two ways. Semona was going to the beach with his sister and instead of going and getting a nice piece of ass, he said, "well with her distracting my sister, I can be with you." =) and before/during/after the 1.5 hour handjob I gave him in the movies, he sorta held my hand. He also brought Germ-x for when we stole 3rd base. :p yes, we both got skin and he is pretty good with his hands. But, the thing that made me the happiest was when he said he worried and thought about me and when he kinda held my hand in the movies. It was sweet. <3 and how he would randomly put his arms around me. My Remus has been doing well in actually showing me that he gives a fuck.

107. -sobs-

2009-08-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 7, 2008
Yet again you take my tears, Eric.
get me into trouble, yet I still don't feel mad
in fact I love you all the more though I should not
If you were here, maybe I wouldn't be crying
maybe I would feel better, maybe I would be happily laying with you...maybe I wouldn't worry about you...maybe we would totally be fucking and I wouldn't be thinking about any of this...
and yet tomorrow I will fake this facade again to convince you that everything is okay when I am probably fucking up my life just to be a small part of yours
and again, I find myself crying to sleep.

106. Oops,

2009-08-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 7, 2008
I love you, but I'm not supposed to
~too much
so much more than I am supposed to
2 . 1/2 handjobs and the willingness to do more. And I guess it finally dawned on me; I love you, though it is against the rules and I shouldn't
-too good
you can do better than just me, though if you want to is a different story.
I love every second I spend with you and no matter what, you will always be my Remus and I will always be your Dora <3

105. Violents；あいしないあいしない　（愛しない）

2009-08-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 7, 2008
ころして　さあ、たちなさい、うちころして　あげる　
じさつ
さけふ
しらない　よ
うれしい　けど　きみ　は　私　が　きらい
あなた　は　おれ　が　だいきらい　
わかった
Tへれ　イｓ　の　れあそん　ｆおｒ　wりちんｇ　ｔひｓ　えｘｃえｐｔ　べｃあうせ　い　ｃあん　あんｄ　い　どんｔ　
ｃあれ　えのうｇｈ　と　ど　むｃｈ　えｌせ。

104. Hip-Hop Mix Tape

2009-08-28T03:01:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 4, 2008
Lollipop - Lil Wayne
You - Lloyd ft. Lil Wayne
Take You There - Sean Kingston
Sexual eruption - Snoop Dogg
Umbrella - Rihanna
Feedback - Janet Jackson
Oh - Ciara
I Wanna Fuck You - Akon
Yah Bitch! - Soulja Boy
Report Card - Soulja Boy

103. Oh, orgasm? ♥small kine♥

2009-08-28T02:54:00.000-07:00

Thursday, July 3, 2008
Ok so today was nice because Eric made me feel special by saying that he remembers every place we've been together. And that he always feels special when he is around me. And I told him that I did feel really special around him because he can charm all these girls but the one he always sits by is me. And who he holds and hugs and all that. And he told me about his father and the things that happened...he is crazy, but he's my crazy person. I always let him get away with everything and do what he tells/asks me to do. And, well, the reason why I titled this what I did; he sorta skipped a few bases and I gave him half a handjob...though he started it by groping me and trying to put his hands up and down my skirt. but then he said he got a hard on and says "so, you wanna grab it?" and then I thought he was joking...but ten minutes later or so, he said "no, seriously, do you want to?" and I did and it was exciting. Oh and the nice thing he did today: when I was changing, some weird dude drove by and eyed me out and he actually got irritated; he was like "gtfo of your truck and Imma kick your ass" =) and he drive me home. Eric actually does care a lot about me. He says he thinks about me a lot. :D and he says he's not a jealous person.

102. Today (is the Greatest)

2009-08-28T02:50:00.000-07:00

Thursday, July 3, 2008
Skipped today, aka couldn't go. so we went to the beach and the movies. Twas easy. 4 miles and Wanted. Got to swim and chill with the homies. AJ, Kiennan, Matt, Malcolm, Eric and me. And it was awesome. Missed Jaime though. because she is rad. =) Ate cookies, mochi crunch, chips and drank iced tea and amp. And swam, which is awesome. And Kiennan seemed happier. And we all chilled and were happy. It was chill =) =) =)

101. Songs I Want to Learn

2009-08-28T02:43:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Self-Esteem by The Offspring
Romance by Buck-Tick
Ready, Steady, Go by L'Arc~en~Ciel
Freak Out by Acidman
Teenage Werewolf by The Remus Lupins
Blue and Yellow by The Used
Fall Back Down by Rancid
Lion and the Lamb by The Get-Up Kids
The Days of the Phoenix by AFI
Stolen by Dashboard Confessional
Feathers by Coheed and Cambria
Giving Up by Silverstein
Head Like a Hole by Nine Inch Nails
Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins
Nude by Radiohead
Dig by Incubus
In Bloom by Nirvana
You Know You're Right by Nirvana

100. And Now, More Ranting

2009-08-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Got kinda kicked out of the program, sorta...oh well. At least I don't have to do this stupid shit anymore...ugh. i don't even really know or care if I actually want to come back to this. Not much of a point, I suppose. Hate this stuff anyway, not like I really needed it anyway. But whatevers. then, meh....more time to drink, and find new and inventive ways to kill myself. fun.

99. To ロック　リー

2009-08-28T02:30:00.000-07:00

Thursday, June 26, 2008
I am sorry. I can't even pretend that there is hope for you and I anymore. I am sorry that I love everyone else. I can't listen to the same songs that were once for you. For some reason, you were a block for me; I couldn't write for you and I didn't try enough to force myself to care. I guess in a lot of ways, you showed me too many of your weaknesses and made me realize that neither of us was strong enough for the both of us and that I was emotionally stronger than you. You couldn't hold me together when I'd fall apart because you fell apart, too. I never felt safe around you because I knew that you weren't independent enough to take care of yourself and so I knew that you wouldn't be able to take care of me. I am the girl in the relationship, but you always outfeminined me, which I didn't even no was possible. I guess, I just got to a point where I realized that I couldn't love you anymore.

98. Wrock in Stock

2009-08-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 23, 2008
-I was hanging out in the shrieking shack, but now, I'm never going back...
-We are right here by your side
-Cornelius Fudge, keep your hands off the Prophet; these times are hard and we all must work to stop it
-Come back now, come back now, come back from beyond the veil
-I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good, mischief managed
-we rescued the sorcerer's stone, and went down the chamber of secrets, we rescued the prisoner of Azkaban, we won the goblet of fire and joined the order of the phoenix, yeah, we'll take the half blood prince down, I know we can, I know we can.
-The seven Potters, there's a million ways we will make it tonight, oh tonight, we must fly.

97. For Someone with a Four lettered name, there are two

2009-08-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

Thursday, June 19, 2008
Blue and Yellow - The Used
I Caught Fire - The Used
Greener With the Scenery - The Used
Yesterday's Feelings - The Used
Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
You - Lloyd ft. Lil Wayne
Six Feet Under the Stars - All Time Low
Memory - Sugarcult
Superman - Eminem
Say it Right - Nelly Furtado
I'm Like a Lawyer With the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You) - Fall Out Boy
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Lollipop - Lil Wayne

96. The Soundtrack - LupinXTonks

2009-08-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

Thursday, June 19, 2008
I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab For Cutie
Slowdance on the Inside - Taking Back Sunday
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
One Song Glory - Adam Pascal (RENT)
Without You - Adam Pascal and Rosario Dawson (RENT movie)
Pieces - Red
All Good Things (Come to an End) - Nelly Furtado
Say it Right - Nelly Furtado
Alive With the Glory of Love - Say Anything
Teenage Werewolf - The Remus Lupins

95. Remember This Feeling?

2009-08-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, June 18, 2008
It has been a while since I felt like this; I hate jealousy. I hate it. Oh my fucking God, I hate this. I feel sick. Just watching Eric charm other girls, I feel sick. I try to shake it off, or at least pretend or appear to shake it off. And alas, I am found with no confidence left and I want to throw up. Hahah, maybe too many M&Ms. Or maybe he doesn't like me anymore. A part of me knows that I am nothing special to him, yet I feel for Eric way too much because it is too easy for someone to take him away from me. I want him to be mine, or well, it is more like this; I don't mind if he wants other girls, as long as I am his favorite. But now, I don't even feel as if I am anymore.

94. Quick List; Tomasu とます－たかしさま

2009-08-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I Wish You Were Here - Incubus
Drive - Incubus
Dig - Incubus
I Miss You - Incubus
Perfect Situation - Weezer
Island in the Sun - Weezer
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
Little Wonders - Rob Thomas
Lead Sails (And a Paper Anchor) - Atreyu
Come On, Eileen - Save Ferris
Friends and Family - Trik Turner
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo - Bloodhound Gang
MakeDamnSure - Taking Back Sunday
Note to Self - From First to Last
Tonight, Tonight - Smashing Pumpkins
The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance
What it is to Burn - Finch

93. To KYM, I am Sorry

2009-08-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
and I am writing in pink for you. I promised you forever and I couldn't give it to you. And I know that this was my own fault. I said that I loved you because I didn't want Matt anymore and I dreamt about you once. We don't have much in common and you were too scared...though I don't want it to sound like you are to blame. I was the one who said that I would love you forever, but when I stopped loving you like that, I realized that all the words that could be said were already used. After two years, I was done. I couldn't feign interest anymore and I am sorry. We both grew in different directions and we barely even saw each other anymore, though...I can't pretend that I didn't see that things were coming to a close already. It was no fault of yours, though. It was all my fault, but I couldn't help it...I didn't mean to start liking Eric; I didn't mean for Ash to tell me that he loved me, and I didn't mean to like them more than you. But that doesn't make it any better. Fuck, I'm even sorry that I didn't try to hide it and that I said that maybe one day we could get back together. I don't think that we ever will be again...I just hope that you don't hate me...I still think of you as a friend.

92. Selfish

2009-08-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 16, 2008
is what I am...I want Ash. I want Eric. I like how Eric and I am and I like how me and Ash are. I know that I am two different people around them, but I can't help it...they both bring out different things in me. Ash brings out the best in me; I am the good girl, the good student and the one who tries not to get in trouble...but Eric brings out the worst in me; I am the naughty girl, the rebel, the smartass and the sex object. I just don't now if and when this will end. And now, with Nishi, I like joking around with him too....except I am never quite entirely sure if I am serious or joking. Grr...I want way too much. I want Ash to be around and play with me,...in every sense of the word....I want to mess around with Eric and I want to hang around and lay in Nishi's bed...fuck me, man. I guess that I don't really know what I want, after all. :(

91. Paranoia, Self-Destroyer

2009-08-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sunday, June 8, 2008
you know, today is just one of those days where I feel like everyone hates me. Like, especially Tim and Jared, and everyone else, but mostly them. And it scares me. They're a few of the only people I really have and I hate myself for feeling like they hate me and for driving them to hate me.

90. Happy :)

2009-04-29T01:29:00.000-07:00

Thursday, June 5, 2008
Happy happy happy happy happy happy :) :) :) :) :) :D :D :D :D ^_^ ^_^ :3 :3 :3 <3> :> :> =) =) =) :] :] :] :] :] c: c: c: C: C: C: ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

89. Lonely

2009-04-29T01:25:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Ok, so here is the deal: Ash is depressed and not going online nor really talking to me and I am afraid to talk to him... he feels so cold and distant and I don't really have a reason to be online without him.
and Eric isn't really calling or coming over, thus leaving me even lonelier.
And now, I am talking a lot to Nishi, who wants mah body.
So I am just trying to figure out what to do. I don't feel so wanted anymore and I am terrified that Ash is just going to decide that I am a waste of time, Eric will give up and I will be left with Nishi: a 28 year old guy, because no one else is left.

88. Fucking Eric

2009-04-29T01:21:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Why don't you call when I want you to? And why did you tell your mom? I could have told you that that was going to happen. Now you probably fucked up that chance we could have had, you realize this, right? Fuck...now what am I supposed to do? Now that you won't be able to sneak away to come see me? Now that your mom will probably be suspicious of you and me now. Also, now that your sister knows and she hates me. But, you know what? None of that really bothers me much, but it is the fact that now, the little chance that we could have had for dating, at least for a little while, is totally out of the question. Fucking Eric... good job at fucking up... though I suppose I know you didn't mean to.

87. To Ash

2009-04-29T01:14:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I love you; I know it may seem hard to believe right now, but I do love you. I would kill myself if I knew that it would make you happy. In fact, the only reason why I am still alive is because I love you too much to want to die anymore. I would give you my heart if only I had it myself but don't you dare ever forget or think for a second that I do not love you, because I would give you all of me. You are my dragon, my protector, my everything. You are the only and only. You are going to be my last kiss and my last reason to smile, my last everything. I will marry you some day. This, I know and I wish I could promise you but I know that if you really do die at 26, I will probably kill myself because there would be no reason left for me to live if my life would be without you. But I do know that I will be with you...and the end of all things. At least that, I can promise you for sure. Maybe you should drift from me. If it'd make you feel better, then that is the main thing. I would rather you hate me than me hurt you. I LOVE YOU, AND YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO I KNOW, I KNOW that I will love for the rest of eternity. Guarens. ♥

86. Remus and Tonks

2009-04-29T01:08:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Remus John Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, yet more issues because Eric is my Remus and he calls me Tonks. :) I want him to be my Lupin. Hell, he even acts it by staying distant. And he knows random weird shit about Harry Potter and he didn't have to have me tell him who the fuck Verity is. He knew. And he can sometimes match me in the sheer amount of knowledge on Harry Potter. He dressed up as Regulus for me on Harry Potter night. I remember that I and was proud. :p And he is dressing up as my Lupin when I dress as Tonks in November. Should be fun.

85. the Dragon and the Angel

2009-04-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, April 30, 2008
or ash and I. He is my dragon Ash and I'm his Angel and I love my dragon Ash; he is the coolest guy under the sun and he protects me. He is there during the day and he always helps me out and lets me win. He loves me and I never ever felt like me hated me. Even though I hurt him. I am supposed to be his Angel; I am supposed to protect him from everything, but I can't even protect him from myself. I have failed you, my dragon Ash. Just don't you ever forget that I love you. You are one of my best friends and my guardian. You put me before others and even yourself. And I love you. I really do, and this is killing me. Just please tell me that everything is going to be okay and that you won't hate me... If I were to lose you altogether; I would die. The angel is too weak to live without her dragon and the dragon doesn't want to live without his angel. We are there for each other like the day and the night; like fire and water.

84. Burning Bridges

2009-03-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

Thursday, April 3, 2008
I've let the bridge burn to the ground
and I've left you on the other side
you tried and succeeded at getting too close
and in my vain attempt to hide
I set it all on fire

84. such pretty words

2009-01-25T01:14:00.000-08:00

Thursday, April 3, 2008
...but life's no storybook. Love's an excuse to get hurt and to hurt; do you like to hurt? I do, I do, then hurt me... ♥
you've taken the last of my pathetic attempt at poetic words. I don't feel for you like I did yesterday...I know that I am a waste of your time, and I'm sorry. You have been too much to me and too much for me. You were a paralyzing overdose. I can't do the things that I once could. I can't fucking write. Well, not that I was an amazing writer before, but now, I just don't even have fucking anything to say. I refuse to believe that I love you, even though I probably do. Especially because I shouldn't. Yet I don't feel like I did before.

83. Colors (for extreme)

2009-01-25T01:07:00.001-08:00

Friday, March 21, 2008
<3>love <3 gilmam/gilman donk kek XD :p /me cuddles gil I miss you ;_;

82. #channel

2009-01-25T00:53:00.000-08:00

Monday, March 17, 2008
[o8:05:37] Hello madara, welcome to #channel
[12:26:11] **jibor (angus@aus.tr.al.ia.net) has quit ("leaving")
[16:07:29] **jibor (angus@aus.tr.al.ia.net) has joined #channel
[16:07:32] Hello jibor welcome to #channel
[19:21:40] New news from isitchristmas?: NO
[19:53:03] New news from bash.org | #183417
[19:54:21] <@david> !bash 183417
[19:54:24] Warning: msg too long, sending as a private message instead
[20:27:18] spin the bottle
[20:27:21] jibor spins the bottle
[20:27:24] round and round it goes...
[20:27:27] round and round it goes...
[20:27:30] round and round it goes...
[20:27:23] and it comes to a stop pointing at . . . idelx!
[20:27:24] now you must share your innermost feelings with idelx!
[20:27:46] well, I would if I had any
[22:18:47] New news from isitchristmas?: NO
[22:20:13] aw
[00:07:34] **madara (IceChat7@ran.domi.padahe.re.net) has quit ("Here, take my advice; I don't use it.")

81. It's Muthafuckin' Pi Day to 1,075

2009-01-11T02:35:00.000-08:00

Friday, March 14, 2008
Pi Day
3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286 208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481 117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233 786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006 606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146 951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749 567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190 702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827 785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923 542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049 951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010 003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882 353787593751957781857780532171226806613001927876611195909216420198938095257201 065485863278865936153381827968230301952035301852968

80. Not Anymore

2009-01-11T02:30:00.000-08:00

Friday, March 14, 2008
Pi Day
heh, I figured that this day would come; you don't want me anymore. I must bother you, but oh well. And yes and no I have a boyfriend...I just wish he were you. But no matter, I guess that I'm just not important enough to mean something to you, even though I thought I meant something to you last week. But I know, because I talk to him like how you talk to me, and I have stopped desiring him. It is only you, and you don't want me anymore.

79. Page 637

2009-01-11T02:24:00.000-08:00

Monday, March 10, 2008
is the name of a song by Gred and Forge. It is also the saddest page or Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The death of Fred Weasley. Painfully unbelievable. I had to close the book and cry for almost a half an hour. The ghost of his laugh has been haunting. I don't think I could have ever expected them to be targetted. I just remember crying not only for Fred's death, but also over the fact that I knew that it would kill Jess too.

78. Lupin's Birthday <3 Tonks

2009-01-11T02:18:00.000-08:00

Monday, March 10, 2008
is today. So I am dressed as Tonks and I am playing with Ryan, like I always do. Like I always want to when I'm around him. For a while, he was my Lupin, but now, I want someone else to be the Lupin to my Tonks. The werewolf to my metamorphmagus. But we die. We die together and stay together. My Remus. The saddiest think after P637 was the death of Lupin and Tonks. My handsome werewolf and the beautiful metamorphmagus. Oh, it is love. <3

77. Distinctly

2009-01-11T02:17:00.001-08:00

Monday, March 3, 2008
-kek
-donk
-:(
-PENIS
-rainbow spam
-Theme Song
-bukkake
-Omaha
-Cedars
-cuddle

76. More Ink to use; gls

2009-01-11T02:07:00.000-08:00

Monday, March 3, 2008
is what I now write everywhere. It is what I am and I told Kevin that I was referencing rent. gls... g.l.s. gil's little slut. You are my DRuG. D.Ru.G Your initials. That is what this all means. And I think he would figure it out. gil's little slut. I wrote that on my chest and I mean it. I am for as long as he'll have me. He's been sweet ot me for the past couple of days. I jsut hope I mean something to him.

75. Letters to You (reprise)

2009-01-11T02:00:00.000-08:00

Monday, March 3, 2008
ひな　まつり
Girl's Day <3
I keep writing letters to Gil, but I hate everything I write to him. :( I suck, and I feel like a fucking tweaker everytime I send him a letter. He said he liked the last one, so I hope that he likes this one. God, I write, then edit his letters and rewrite. I put more thought and effort into it than I did in ENG100 and all the essays for it. But I like him so much. It makes me crazy and I want to say every word he writes or types or anything to me. I donk, kek and make weird meowing noises like him. But I love it. I am his little slut, and (I hope) he is mine. I want to be with him. I want him to like me like how I like him. I would do anything he asks.

７４．Bio Lab

2009-01-11T01:56:00.000-08:00

Monday, February 25, 2008
bored on the wiiiiiiiide. seriously. so tired and damn, I feel stuuuuuuupid. Mary doesn't show up to class anymore or anything. Colin's not here today either. And I'm so bored. Oh god, so bored. I always want to fall asleep =( not fun. I just hope that today's video is loooooooong and interesting.

73. I'm Happy But You Don't Like Me

2009-01-11T01:52:00.000-08:00

Monday, January 28, 2008
あの　くも　を　見てる
ことり　が　とんでる
うれしい　けど　
きみ　は　私　が　きらい

二人　で　こいして　
たのしい　ところ　え
いきたい　けど
きみ　は　どこにも　いない

なぜ　消えたい　の
きみ　は　ねげてる　の
なぜ　なぜ　
どうして
きみ　は　だいしき
だいすき
だいすき　
すき　な　の　に

72. I mean

2009-01-11T01:49:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I mean every word
that I write
that I type
that I say
every word I aimed towards you
and I mean
every sigh, every scream
every laugh every dream
every damn thing I ever did for you

but I don't mean a damn thing
don't mean anything to you

and I mean
every picture I take
every movie I make
every less than three that I type into the window
I know you have to know

that I mean it

every slash every action
can't you sense my attraction
can't you see, don't you know
that I'd do it all for you
every bottle I spin
every thing that I send
you know, you have to know
that it's only just for you

but I don't mean a damn thing
don't mean anything to you

71. nihongo no uta (renshuu)

2009-01-11T01:35:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January 22, 2008
watashi wa kimi no...　　私　は　きみ　の
shiranai yo　　　　　　　　しらない　よ
watashi wa　　　　　　　　私　は
kimi ga　　　　　　　　　　　きみ　が
hoshii　　　　　　　　　　　　ほしい
kimi ga suki　　　　　　　　きみ　が　好き
ga daisuki　　　　　　　　　が　大好き
ga mitai 　　　　　　　　　　が　見たい
wa aitai 　　　　　　　　　　は　会いたい
demo hanasanai 　　　　　でも　話さない
nemashou 　　　　　　　　ねましょう
kurozora no shita 　　　　くろ空　の　下
hoshi no shita 　　　　　　ほし　の　下
tsuki o miru　　　　　　　　月　を　見る

70. less than 3

2009-01-11T01:32:00.000-08:00

Thursday, December 13, 2007
is what gil and I always use when talking to each other. Gil scares me because I am purely attracted to him for his personality. I have only seen one picture of him in which he looks hot. But besides that, I like him entirely for his personality. A part of me is really starting to like him an this scares me partially because I think that because of this, I am now not talking to Kevin as much. I feel bad because I wish that Gil was around. Like right now, I wish he were next to me in bed, sleeping, hugging, cuddling, making out, having sex, everything; I wish it were him.

69. DG

2009-01-11T01:29:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 7, 2007
I have found that talking to gil makes me smile more than anything else. He really does make me feel better, even if its a lie. I really do enjoy talking to him. I remember that he told me that he didn't care about what I thought of him, but that he thought that I was cool. What makes me a bit uneasy about him is how he affects me. I crave attention from him more than anyone else. I also care more about what he thinks of me than any single other person or all of them combined on IRC. But here's what's bothering me: I desire talking to him more than anyone else, even Kevin. I really do think that I have started to develop an actual crush on him. I don't eve know why I cybered Rach. That was a lie. All I wanted was him. I want him to want me, to like me, to give me a chance. Hell, even at school I find myself wanting him around to hold me, to cuddle me, and to completely dominate me.

68. MSN

2009-01-11T01:10:00.000-08:00

wtf is that
this is what that
looks like to me
~~~~~~~~~
~~~
~~~~~~
write nicer

^_^
k
...
can
we
leave?

now?

it's
2:50

true
but what if
he gives us
something useful
in the next 20 min.?

25
and
name
something

idk. maybe
something about
one of the questions
he gave us
Jackson Pollock!

I see the word Ass in that
painting

where?
I see an
exploding
flower
and sperm
symbolism, maybe?

I see.
~~stupid~~ crazy

it's
me, ain't
it?
-sighs-

this sucks

yah. I know
but randomly; how
good are you at telling
if someone is gay?

very, very bad at it, but who
do you think is gay?

this sorta cute guy I know
I've known him for a few years
and lots of my friends have
lusted after him; guy and girl alike
but he's so...soft

sounds outta my league
bi maybe though

but yeah
the dude is
really cool. I see/
talk to him at
least a few times
a year. I've known
him since I was
14. He still remembers
me and we chill
he thought it was
funny how people are
scared to talk to
him. He's really nice
though. And he puts
up with talking to
me. I could show
you a pic over
msn tonight if
you like.

sure
ps why don't
you just ask
him?

idk...
i guess it doesn't
really matter to me
it's all my
friends that
want to know.
my cousin
met him last night
and now he has
another person who
lusts after him.
He's always smiling
and he always looks
good, so he fits that
whole stereotype.

ask him or I can and is he
after your cousin or is your
cousin after him?

well, my cousin isn't
after him, nor is he
after my cousin. My
cousin just thinks he's
sexy. I get people
jealous by saying
that I have his
cell no. :p

?
get his screen name and
I'll ask him ^_^

mmmkay. I have
his email. When I get
a response I'll ask if he has
msn or aim or what not.
:)

67. Art History

2009-01-11T01:06:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December 4, 2007
I am fairly certain of my coming failure in this class. These tests are absolutely fucking ridiculous. I will be lucky if I get a C. This was a mistake to have taken this class. This class always makes me feel like falling asleep. Ugh. I think that there should have been an email that he should have sent out. The dance teacher sent out an email saying that there was not going to be much physical dancing at all. Here I was thinking that Art 101 was going to be a beginning art class. Developing drawing and painting skills. But alas, we have only done one piece of art; that stupid collage that was supposed to be for extra credit was the only one. >_< -sighs-

66. Gil-man

2009-01-06T02:09:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 3, 2007
well, winter came to Omaha and left us looking like a bride...
-So I talk to a guy in Nebraska. He is four hours ahead of us. He is the ONLY reasoon why I go on IRC so much. I like talking to him and /hugging him. He's cute in a lot of ways. He said he wishes/wants me to be his cuddle buddy. I wish that I could be. I think that it would be nice. Gil is soooooooooooooooooo cute, sometimes. Geeky, yes. Sort of strange, definitely. But he is uber awesome. I wish that I was there. Even in the freezing cold. Heh, he said that I shouldn't be there because I need to go outside sometime. :p I just told him that I could be content with just hugging him all the time. Though I think that he'd eventually get sick of me. But I would very much like to chill out with him. That would be great. <3
-cutest line I've ever heard-
I'm in a chair so you'd have to sit on my lap. You're short and I could always type around you. :)

65. Bloody Hell

2009-01-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

Friday, November 30, 2007
~drain the blood, the heart is wise
~beast of blood
~color me blood red
~in a blood red summer, I'll keep you
~sunday, bloody sunday
~blood and whiskey
~blood children

64. Bleed Black

2009-01-06T02:01:00.000-08:00

Friday, November 30, 2007
~I put it all on black, no color you're all dressed in and a stab in the back, I left you bleeding on the floor
~I'm cutting, trying to picture your black, broken heart...
~you want to paint it black
~black hole sun, won't you come, and wash away the rain, black hole sun, won't you come, won't you come?
~bury me in black
~I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black
~black mamba

63. Easten

2009-01-06T01:57:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 29, 2007
is interesting, to say the least. I enjoy talking to, bothering, and generally, just being around him. He is fun. He's a lot like me, yet very different at the same time. Hell, he plays the bass guitar. =) ahh, for my geek music shiva bass-playing older guy crushes. But he's amusing. Though I don't think he can say the same about me. I probably just bother him. I can see it already. "oh god, it's that weird girl again, just hope she passes by...oh damnit, she sat next to me again." ugh. lolz. yeah. but yeah. I really should stop bothering/stalking him so much -sigh- it's the unrequited crush from way back when. And now I have opportunity to actually talk to/hang out with Easten. :p

62. Tristan

2009-01-06T01:50:00.001-08:00

Wednesday, November 28, 2007
+I am Jack's broken heart
-Ahh,, did I love Tristan. I was so pathetically trying to reach out for him. I deleted so many of my comments to him over livejournal. I should like an angry ex-girlfriend. I never even got that far. I was barely a friend. I remember talking to him and hanging out talking on the phone, emailing and all that. Heh, and now, I rarely even talk to him in person. its just a nod and a casual wave, which I obsess over heavy for the next few days.
+I am Jack's complete lack of...
-everything. I know I didn't mean a damn thing to him. I should have known, and et in my blind hope, I tried. I did all that I could to mean something, ANYTHING to him. But I don't mean a damn thing, if not a nod and a casual wave.

61. IRC

2009-01-06T01:43:00.000-08:00

Monday, November 26, 2007
OMG, lyke I've totally been on IRC wayyyyy 2 much lately. Srsly, tho, we mostly just !bash [smurf] kip-ole or spin the bottle. I get a shower with Gil and get to kiss beronth on the cheek. !quote kip evidence. Get zzzptm on the case. I.P. Banhammah! for realz. I c wat u did there. T-San, save me. Oh gil, I'd do you. gilbot? : you came, kagerou? No, I didn't! I am disappointed and unfulfilled, damnit. OH NOES, the smurf is back. damn, kip. Oh, acadecsex. Aww, Kat, you sound so cute! /me is amused! !start Queen trivia: KILLER QUEEN, innudendo, inuedendo, umm, innuendo? Bicycle race.

60. Verity & George

2009-01-06T01:33:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 26, 2007
So I have another facebook where I am Verity from Harry Potter. And I am facebook-dating George Weasley. lulz. It's pretty cool, though. I have been accepted as a legit character. And not even an OC! A legit character! And I got a Weasley. :) Maybe not the Weasley I would have first chosen, but a badass Weasley nonetheless. And I have it on a facebook! XD. now, to add the grafitti wall. XDXDXD. And Rose has been so nice in suggesting me to him. Even Colin has been nice in talking to and wishing me well. And I am the ONLY Verity in our little HP facebook RPG. I have been accepted! radxcore. And people get who I am now. Well they do mostly because of the picture of the page where Verity is mentioned. But yay! I am "in a relationship" with George J. Weasley. And I still work in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

59. MSN on Paper

2009-01-06T01:08:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Pen = Negi
Pencil = someone else

WTF does
this have
to do w/
art

I have no idea?
life before art?
I've stopped paying
attention. this isn't
even my art book.

what?

this is
my english
tablet. XD

u need
to work on
your writing
-_-....

I know. that's
what I'm doing now XD

o.o

I see...
do you?

No, my eyes
are closed

I see...no
sleep for you
*kick*

yes sleep
*sits on you*

gah
o_O Tiny azn is NOT
pleased
yellow rage
powerup!!
+50 damage
+20 defense

*dumps
water on your
head*

water attack
power up!!!
WATAH
CANNONZ!
+10 attack
-2 defense

*dips you in soy sauce
and gives you to john
to eat*

*twitch*
John?
why not
Seiji?

akira

squiggle?
wtf does
this say?

akira

but why him?
Why not Seiji?

cuz. Seiji already
has asian
in him

haha. I took
20+ pics of him.

rich can eat you
too...

eek. why
eat da
tiny
azn?

ask them...
I like eggrolls
o_o....

meep
we were joking
about sex and
masks today

?

random fact. John
said he was tired
from working on his
program all night
so I said that maybe
I shouldn't ask for so much
sex. He said I was wearing
him out and that Rich
should take his place.
I said that he shouldn't
because he's in to kinky
stuff and has too much
experience and that I was
scared. x_x
so anyway...
I took lotsa
pics of Seiji
I think I got one
of him smiling!

WTF

but he
doesn't
know
that I
took
pics
oh
yeah
so, what the fuck
was up w/ your
dad, he ok?
I = A+++
stalker

he likes to talk

apparently.
just making sure
he didn't piss
you off again
or something

58. Love~Heart~Fall

2009-01-06T00:54:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 20, 2007
-take another little piece of my heart now, baby
-eight days a week, I love you
-wait, they don't love you like I love you
-don't break my heart and I won't break your heart-shaped glasses
-like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her, she's the only one who knows what it is to burn
-for you, the Newo that I love
-1-2-3-4 tell me that you love me more
-I don't know how you could not love me now
-please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed
-I love you so much I'm content to hold your hand
-you have stolen my heart
-why do I love you?
-STRANGELOVE
-asking if you love me, I love the way you make it sound
-it was a lover's tryst, we were neither clear nor descript
-all alone I fall to pieces
-ready to fall
-there is love to be found
-love will tear us apart again
-however far away, I will always love you

57. Letters of my Heart

2009-01-05T03:26:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Always crazy
Unique
Sincere
Tomasu!
Insane
Nukkah

たべもの - food :)
か - strength
しねないで - don't die

KAi - ocean
MUumuu - Founder's day/Ho'ike/Grad <3
Eha, ewalu, ehiku, eha - 4874 <3 LOVE

ともだち - friend
まいにち - every day
すき　な　人　一番 - favorite person

56. せいじ

2009-01-05T03:09:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Seiji. yum. He is a freakishly good looking Japanese exchange student and he is fairly friendly. He's even waved back at me a few times though whether he remembers me or not as another story. AND HE LOOKS LIKE HYDE. IT MAKES ME TEH HAPPINESS. seriously セイジ、せいじ、Seiji. I would be satisfied being his slave. Just carrying around his stuff all the time. he is the delicious.

55. Keone

2009-01-05T02:49:00.000-08:00

Monday, November 19, 2007
Is a guy from my Sociology 100 class. He's generally quiet, shy and fairly nondescript. He smiles meekly when I say hi. He seems very nice and I am oddly fond of him. He's not a bad looking guy either, not by any standards. He's very Asian local handsome in a lot of ways. Locally handsome without the glasses and Asian cute with them, He seems like an intelligent enough guy, quiet, shy, and hardworking. Though I'm sure he talks to and opens up around his friend, as does anyone. I would very much like to be his friend in real life, besides only on Facebook. Hell, I am pretty sure I still have his cell phone number. But I really want to hang out with him. He reminds me so much of some of my other friends, like Hano, Keren, Lionel and Reyn. I guess I sorta have a missing-my-friends moment and I'm taking it out on him. But hey, he makes me smile, and for some strange reason, I just really would like to talk to him. I think that it'd be fun. heh, I even keep glancing over at him. Damn, I feel pathetic.

54. Bleeding Ink

2009-01-05T02:41:00.000-08:00

Friday, November 16, 2007
the ink leaks out of my pen
like blood from a wound
it drops onto the paper
forming words like bloodstains
upon your hands
a bitter memory of life
long gone since past
since death came too fast
leaving a message in blood to
tell your story in
and to tell your lovers that you're
no longer around
and that you'll never again be found

53. Resent

2009-01-05T02:24:00.000-08:00

Friday, November 16, 2007
I do not know if I don't like her or if I don't like myself.
maybe it's both. I don't know. I just don't like how she's always near him. I know that I do hang out with lots of other guys, but I don't or try not to make it obvious to their significant others. I guess I'm just insecure, inadequate, incompetent, insane. I am not worth, and he is worth too much to me, to her, to them, to everyone.
I do not know if it is because he is everything or that I am nothing.
yet again, probably both. I wish I could feel more worthwhile, I guess. I'm so sick of feeling threatened, even though I am. I am tired of being portrayed as a bad person and bad girlfriend even though I am. I adore him, my love, my everything. et I am little more than experience for hi. I am not meant for him, though he is me.
I do not know if it is because I am worthless or because he is worth more than anything to me.
maybe it's both, again. I don't know. I just know that I wish this would end in my death.

52. I feel -

2009-01-05T02:13:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, November 14, 2007
+sometimes
-close my eyes, feel me now, I don't know how you could not love me now
+soft as snow
-but warm inside
+cold
-what I really meant to say is that I'm sorry for the way I am
+pain
-it's a lie, a kiss with open eyes, and she's not breathing back, anything but bother me

51. Turn and Face the Strange

2009-01-05T01:58:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, November 14, 2007
-Ch-ch-changes
Lots o things have changed. From my classes and workload, to my friends and style of dress.
The people I talk to the most have also changed. From hanging out with Sabrina and Becky and adoring Tomasu, to hanging out with Negi, John and Rich and drooling over Seiji.
From watching kids in the art room do crazy things to doing crazy things in Lava Landing; it was always something going on.
-Time may change me, but I can't change time
though I wish I could sometimes. like Hiro.
I miss my acadorkatores and my brothers and sisters.
Heroes is to acadec as InuYasha is to the gang
I spend too much time on acadectalk
my bridges are falling apart and I'm not doing a damn thing about it
I mean less and less to my old friends
this breaks my heart
I mean too much to some people, and I don't deserve to

50. Over My Head

2009-01-05T01:41:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 6, 2007
maybe I should hae never gotten romantically involved with Kevin. Now I'm deathly afraid that one of us is going to hurt the other. I'm scared of the depression that one of us will suffer. Heh, Joy Division was right. "love, love will tear us apart again." And I see it starting...maybe I'm better off dead, so Kevin will have the balls to leave me. And yes, that is STILL on my mind, after Kara came in Lava Landing looking for him and then walking out when she saw that he wasn't there; that bugged the fuck out of me. What are other girls doing wondering where he is. I know I sound fucking irrational, but I am losing my fucking mind. I think that I've gotten in over my head, completely misread, well I'm better off dead. Death would be easy now. I'm so paranoid that it makes me sick.

49. What I Am

2009-01-05T01:39:00.001-08:00

Tuesday, November 6, 2007
-hopeless
-fat
-ugly
-irritating
-obnoxious
-depressed
-jealous
-paranoid
-worthless
-useless
-whorish
-terrible
-unworthy
-stupid
-foolish
-slutty
-horrible
-anxious
-skewed
-violent
-careless
-reckless
-rash
-inconsiderate
-harsh

48. Just Do It

2009-01-05T01:34:00.001-08:00

Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I want you to leave me
to my fall
to my demise
I'd rather you go
instead of comforting me with lies
and I know that you
don't really love me
like you think you do
but it's alright
no I don't mind
because I know
I have to let you go
so you can find
someone to be
happy with
and I know
that's not me who's meant for you
and I can see
the pain I keep causing you
but I need you to walk away from me
just leave me be
because I just can't give you what you need

47. Crying Like a Church on Monday

2009-01-05T01:16:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 6, 2007
So, I cried yesterday/last night. My paranoia and anxiety are getting the best of me. I'm freaking out all the damn time and I can barely control myself anymore. Damnit, I know that I'm not good for the one I love. I know that she's probably a hundred times better matched for him than I am and will ever be. I know he'll end up liking her more than he likes me. They have way more in common. And yet I still guilt him into staying with me. I want to stop. I want to tell him that he should leave me and find happiness elsewhere, because I know that he'll never be complete with me; I'm not his other half; I'm not even half a person myself. I've been ripped apart and sloppily pieced together too many times. So much so that I'm falling apart now. And I refuse to let him help me. I refuse to truly believe and/or trust that he loves me. Why? Because I hate myself. I know that I am nothing and I thin that he's beginning to see it too. Sometimse, when he talks about how much he loves me, I'm not sure if he's trying to convince me, the other person, or himself. I just don't know anymore. I guess I would rather him leave me already; I'd rather love in pain than be torturing myself over this. I know it is going to happen so I'd rather it happen already so my impending doom will not be hanging over my head anymore.

46. Ginger

2009-01-05T00:57:00.000-08:00

Sunday, November 4, 2007
is the girl who used to love my love. And she had feelings for Kevin since October or November of 2005. I had a crush on Kevin since I was in 8th grade. She talked about how she loved him and how she was sure that he liked her. They went to prom together. They held hands. He took a picture with her. She asked him to prom and he said yes. And when he told me that he went to prom with her, I checked her myspace and I read the things that she wrote and I figured out that she liked him. And she said how she was sure that he liked her back. And Kevin denied liking her as anything more than a friend, but I was skeptical. I was torn, I thought that he was lying to spare my feelings, but at the same time, I knew that he wouldn't feel like he needed to lie to me. But I pursued him with everything that I had. Knowing full well that she liked him. And I tried to go around with him knowing she would see and then realize that we were together. A part of me wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. And a part of me feels bad. But I couldn't let him go. If I let Kevin pass me by, I think that I would kill myself. No lie.

45. Kevin

2009-01-05T00:46:00.000-08:00

Sunday, November 4, 2007
is the single most important person in my life. Yes, that's right; I have finally aloowed myself to give in and to make my significant other rank higher than my best friends. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's true. And right now, I am losing my mind. I really feel like I'm about to burst into tears. I guess I need to, to calm the hell down. I'm just scared, as usual, of losing him to someone else, which I somehow know will happen. What I don't know is how our friends will treat me after said split. Will they still like me? or will they take his side, be bored with me like his new girlfriend better and leave me behind? Probably. I don't know anymore. I love kevin, believe it or not. I dont' care either way if you do, but I do love him. And I'm scared to death. Right now, at 9:40 PM on a stormy night, I just want to talk to him and I wish I had a laptop so I could check on him. I need to talk to him daily more than I need to breathe, sleep or eat. I just need him. I am a fucking wreck without him. And he's probably online wondering where the fuck I am. While I'm here, alone and depressed in my room. I think I'll go cry now.

44. Hey, Fatass

2009-01-05T00:39:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 1, 2007
I hate finding/hearing about other girls who are half as fat, yet twice as self-conscious as I am. Or the girls that are twice as good-looking but don't believe they are. I am tired of being fat and ugly and having to boost the self-esteem and inflate the egos of girls who are way more gorgeous than I am. Goddamnit, to all the pretty girls who they that they're unattractive: shut the fuck up, get the fuck out and go get laid; you'll feel better, fore sure. Just be a whore and you'll be happy. I'm joking, but yeah. Stop being a whore, stop sucking and fucking and get some self-respect, because you're hot enough to get anyone, so enjoy it for all of your ugly friends that can't get any, we live vicariously through you sluts anyway.

43. Fractures in the Facade

2009-01-05T00:21:00.001-08:00

Thursday, November 1, 2007
I have noticed that I am very different from the way some others perceive me. They consider me to be very smart, brave, crazy, fearless, punk, goth, mad, hyper, etc. I am so completely different from this. I am stupid and not that well-read. Unmotivated and apathetic, and I wish that I could care more. I am such a coward that it's amazing and I'm so weak-hearted that I'm soft in the middle. I really am crazy, but not in a good way; I am paranoid and forlorn. I am afraid of many things and cannot accept my failures, not matter how much I attempt to shake things off. I'm too mainstream to be punk, too religion fearing to be goth, too depressed to be angry at anyone but myself. And too tired to be hyper. I am nothing special, nothing to remember, not one to make a fuss about or to bother with. Sometimes I step back and wonder how I am friends with so many people. I am not a good friend, nor am I a good girlfriend. I am nothing, if not a good actress. If I can make everyone else believe that I am happy, then maybe I could convince myself that I am okay.

if I can make myself believe, the rest is easy

42. Hey Jealousy!

2009-01-05T00:06:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 1, 2007
As my paranoia flares up again, I feel my jealousy growing dangerously close to being out of control. I really cannot stand seeing other girls around Kevin. I know this is unfair; I mean, I hang out with a bunch of guys, one of whom likes me. yet Kevin trusts me and is okay with it. Why can I not be okay with it? Why do I have freakouts or fits when I see him talking to, sitting with or even just around another girl. Like Cara, for instance. They're fairly good friends, and they hangout and talk regularly, but goddamn I hate it. I like Cara, but I hate seeing her around him. Yes, I do feel she is a threat, regardless of whether or not she likes him like that. I just get scared really easily. Another one, Monique, who already gained favor with two of the guys that I used to like, far more quickly than I did. Tomasu and Kena. Both of which probably liked here more than they like me, even non-romantically. Heh, I don't even see Kena aroudn anymore. Not like it makes much of a difference, really. I mean, whenever Monique was around, I didn't exist to Kena anyway. I guess I just know that these girls are better than I'll ever be. I mean Cara is now a good female friend in Kevin's life. The reason why I got him in the first place was because I used to be the only one. But not anymore. I sense my downfall.

41. On the Outs

2009-01-04T23:44:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 1, 2007
I feel sort of left out-ish. Except that's not the exact word that describes it. I looked around Lava Landing today and I noticed that I was the only one alone. Everyone else had their groups. I felt awkward. I got the fuck out of there. For serious. I was sorta like "okay, fuck this. I'm not going to sit in a corner by myself and listen to my zune and have Ash sit next to me and talk out of pity." I am tired of people feeling bad for me; I don't deserve the pity. I don't really deserve anything frankly. I guess I'm having my depressive period/era again. This always happens after the first few months at a new school. Damnit, my emo hair is making me emo. I guess I feel stereotypically depressed. I want to be alone all the time. I want to push them all away. I don't want to see anyone. I don't know why, but I guess that it's just getting to me. Maybe I wanted it to, so I'm over thinking everything. I don't know. I just know that I feel out of place and alone. Even around Kevin.

40. I Remember Halloween

2009-01-04T23:26:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 31, 2007
-dead cats hang from poles
-it was a graveyard smash
-everyone hail to the pumpkin King NOW!
-little dead are out in droves
-this day we celebrate
-this day so hallowed
-from here to forever, its will I will follow
-this day anything goes
-burning bodies hang from poles
-I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight
-Dracula, dracula
-boys and girls of every age
-see something strange
-I am the who when they call "who's there?"
-Filling your dreams to the brim with fright

39. A Bunch of Aca-Dorkatores

2009-01-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

Monday, October 29, 2007
DeniDecDan
DemiDecDean
SubversiveAsset
Wooodge
vaaar
OCM

38. Funny Shit for Dorkatores

2009-01-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

Monday, October 29, 2007
-ROUNDHOUSE KICK!!!
- S.B
-Ma-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aps
-Crazy isn't a superpower
-Talimu River sounds like a belly dance song
-Yang the Whore!
-I <3 Pang Long/I like old men best!
-Brian Cama - sex goddess
-You're NOT related, Angela.
-God, do you ever stop eating?
-Such a Fat Chick!
-do you want a straw? or maybe A FUNNEL?
-Super Quiz paper airplanes!!!
-OMG DemiDec Dan!
-"Hey, I saw you running upstairs on the second floor. Are you alright?" *twitches* "Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry about it, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm good."
-380 econ, Steven?
-save the cheerleader, save the world!
-Angela'll get angry, rawr.
-gotta catch 'em all!
-Brian's gonna kill me!
-Fat, FAT FUCK
-bridge of life that connects two distant hearts
-if you blank out, just pretend that you had spatial amnesia! It's perfect!!!

37. Fall Child, Angels for Everyone

2009-01-04T22:40:00.001-08:00

Monday, October 29, 2007
-spit in my face and submit so I quit
-I wanna be a highschool football hero, with an SAT score less than zero
-sexual chocolate is in stock, they got a condom in the box
-this rage I cannot let go
-we dance in misery
-while I waited there, I was wasting away
-I am exploring the inside, I find it desolate
-under the summer rain, I burnt away
-for a change, I'll refrain from hiding all of me from you
-all the same, I remain the one you blame and I'm demonized, purified, justified as you let yourself show
-so please don't wake me until someone cares, now no one cares
-I fell into fantasy, oh, our dreams seemed not far away, I want to, I want to, I want to stay, oh, I fell into fantasy
-six figures enter, they've come to destroy the world
-my whole life is a dark room, ONE. BIG. DARK. ROOM.
-am I your anything?
-no lack of searching, I can't seem to find, can't seem to find one, what of all their promises, I can't seem to find, much more than lies

36. Good Things About Harry Potter

2009-01-04T22:29:00.000-08:00

Friday, October 26, 2007
-gets kids interested in reading
-gives families something to bond over
-grows with the kids
-teaches right from wrong
-shows power of love
-characters you love
-characters you relate to
-teaches werewolf tolerance
-& how to love ginger kids
-that bad guys can change
-and that you can survive death!!!
-maybe your two best friends are meant to be
-and its okay to make out with your best friend's little sister
-as long as she's not too young
-its not about what house you're in, its all about the choices you make

35. Seven Years

2009-01-04T22:14:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
is the age difference between me and this guy that I was talking to today. His name is Ryan. He's pretty cool/hot. I felt freakishly awkward and I think that he could tell. He kept apologizing for stuff, just like how I do when I'm around Kevin. This guy is pretty cool, though. I mean, he thought that I was 21 for whatever the hell reason. He is kinda hot, though. But I suppose that I am just strange or something. Maybe I have a crush on him or something. Heh, I finally get over Kena and now I find some other guy to fawn over and this one may actually like me! Odd, very odd. I feel awkward and guilty. This guy has been on my mind since yesterday. :x

Thursday, October 25, 2007
Okay, so he likes me. How do I know? Well, making out is a good indication. Californication will never be the same. I feel sort of strange, like, I don't know what I should do now...I mean...I didn't cheat on my love, that much I know. But I do feel sort of out of place with this whole situation. I just hope that he's online tonight.

34. Pvt. Tomasu

2009-01-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
My Marine. I miss him every day. I really do, and I think about him every day. I remember how life used to be with him. With his ketchup bottle and his camouflage backpack. With his tourettes-like tendencies. I miss hearing him swear. I remember his little drawings in the middle of Japanese class. How that one time he sat next to the phone and when the prank caller called, he'd pick up the phone and say "moshi-moshi" and when they hung up, he would scream, "fuck!" He drew a comic once, I remember, of shooting people. I still remember his drawings. I really miss him a lot. I still cry and wait to hear from him. I still remember the last day that I spent with him before he left. We went to the beach. I hadn't been to the beach for a while before then and I haven't gone to the beach since. I still remember sitting with him and taking him home. He got sand all over the backseat and it took forever to get down to Pahoa side. I still remember being in his little house. I was absolutely devastated when he left. I cried for days and days. The moment he came back and I saw him, I didn't want him to leave. He was so different! So grown up. But I still adore him. I still love him with all of my heart. semper fidelis.

33. My Brothers

2009-01-04T02:42:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tyler - Oniisan. My older big brother. He who forgot me but never forgets me. Always has time for me, somehow. Loves and hates me. :) ES/HP writer. DS. Aw.

Ka'eo - The brother who has drifted away. I miss him much, yet am not that sad. I mean, I guess we've just drifted apart. It is unfortunate, but it happens. I love him just the same, though.

Greg - The pimp in our group. Always has stood up for me and tried to defend me. Always there to crack a joke. He's always been someone who I could be honest with.

Joe - My twin! I truly believe that he is what I would be if I were a guy. Definitely the craziest brother I have and another fall-child. He's the only person I would share my AFI stuff with. :)

Keith - K for Keith. As of right now, the best friend that I have on the island right now. Definitely one of the best friends that I have ever had and I am truly grateful to know him and to stick by him. Kyoji-niisan.

Dayn - Ahh! my little bro! Who is younger than I by two days. I miss how he used to be before we all grew up. but he's still cool. It's just not the same, I guess.

Tory - Cousin! I miss him so terribly sometimes. things are not the same without the cousins united.

32. My Sisters

2009-01-04T02:37:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Jana - my sister and best friend. As far back as I can remember, she has been there for me. To protect me and take care of me. Though I haven't really gotten to hang out that much with my sister since she moved, I still love her and miss her every day. I still try to be there for her as much as I can be. She's the one person who I love more than anymore else in my life.

Sabrina- The other girl that I'm really close to. For like my entire high school career, she has been my friend. She's stuck up for me when I needed it and I tried to do the same for her. Hey, how else did we become Angebrina Romura or Sarella Nakabello. :)

Britt -My other sister who I no longer have contact with. I did love her, I still do. But She and Jana never talk to or even refer to one another anymore. But she was still there for me when I needed her in eighth grade. I still keep her notes.

Ruanne - my little sister. I don't talk to her much, but I care about her and want to help her however and whenever I can. She's the coolest little sister ever.

Ariel - BABY ANGELA! She's so much like me when I was her age. She'll probably calm down and soften up. But she's still one of the most badass kids I know.

31. Nemasu/つかれました

2009-01-04T02:33:00.000-08:00

Monday, October 22, 2007
I notice that I get more tired more often nowadays. Depression? maybe. Obesity, likely. the fact that I go to sleep at 12:00AM every night. Or it could be that classes are even more ridiculously boring than those of high school. AAARGH. I just want to sleep. All the time. All day. I just don't see much of a point in being awake anymore. I'm just SO Tired. Every day in Driver's Ed and in Art 101. I'm just really really tired. *drops to the ground and sleeps* Maybe I just need to not listen. if I'm focused on something I can and will stay awake, but everything else, I've fallen asleep. Well, maybe one day, I'll fall down to the ground and sleep for weeks. mmm. that sounds nice. To sleep, perchance to dream. I gotta say, looking at my handwriting, it looks like all the scratches that Becky's papers would get when she'd fall asleep during class.

30. Hunger

2009-01-04T02:29:00.001-08:00

Monday, October 22, 2007
I notice that I feel the most fat when I'm hungry. As if I don't feel fat enough, my hunger is just a reminder that I feel the need to get even fatter than I already am. As if my friends weren't a constant reminder that I'm the fattest out of them all, all of them can afford to eat as much as I do. Now I know that I may sound self-conscious, but my clothes don't fit so well anymore. I feel fat and squishy and weak and lazy and I don't want to feel like that anymore. Damnit, I just hat everything about my appearance. I know that I'm fat and ugly and I wish that I wasn't. I want my clothes to fit right. I don't want the extra fattyness that I feel around me anymore. I feel greasy and dried out. I feel expanded and stretched. and I'm hungry...really hungry. But I never want to eat again. I think that this must be how anorexia or bulimia starts. Though I know that I'll never get to that point, I sometimes think that I need to try it for a while. Damnit, I'm a motherfucking cow. a dyslexic cow. oomomoomoom.

29. Ryans

2009-01-04T02:25:00.001-08:00

Monday, October 22, 2007
are attractive. I don't know why, and I don't understand how, but they are. I have known two guys named Ryan. and I have had crushes on both of them at different points in time.
The first Ryan that I remember knowing was what you could say was my first sort of crush in high school. Whether or not I'd like to admit it, it's true. He'd flirt with me and sing along to songs with me. He was the only person who I let call me Angel. However, I tried to deny my crush as much as I could and pretended that I really disliked him. However, later on, during my senior year, I found out that he was gay. I thought that this was ironic because all the girls fell all over themselves for him.
The second Ryan, I just recently met. I told him that I was a ninja and he remembered. He also calls me "the ninja" which makes me smile. He also sorta pseudo-sticks up for me, even if I don't need it. I like this guy, though. He amuses me and he's kind of hot, for a really California white guy. =) But he's pretty fly. XD

28. To Mr. Fred Weasley

2009-01-04T02:20:00.000-08:00

Friday, October 19, 2007
running fast past Filch's office
after setting off a few dungbombs in the hall
and selling skiving snackboxes

and stealing the map from Filch's office
to sneak through the castle walls
and perfecting jinxes on your stuff

Oh Fred, my hero
one half of the Weasley twins
one of the greatest pranksters I've ever seen
tell me that this was all a dream

running your own store
and selling all your Wizard Wheezes
shield cloaks, headless hats and patented daydreams
and even your own assistant, her name is Verity
oh please

Oh Fred, my hero
one half of the Weasley twins
one of the greatest pranksters I've ever seen
tell me that this was all a dream

Oh Fred, my hero
one half of the Weasley twins
one of the greatest pranksters I've ever seen
tell me that this was all a dream

and like a wall, life came crashing down to the ground
and with a boom, impending doom
crushed us all
as we saw you fall

Oh Fred, fallen Joker
last in the chaos of it all, of this once broken world of darkness
and you, who helped us to smile
please it can't be true
that I won't see you again

27. Driver's dEaD

2009-01-04T02:18:00.000-08:00

Thursday, October 18, 2007
worst class I have ever been in. Even Art 101 is better than this shit. Gawhd. I wished for painful gruesome deaths; even that would beat this. KILL KILL DIE DIE DEAD HEAD. Maybe you don't want to hear our sarcasm; well, if that's the case, get the fuck out, or plug your years...either way. just give the fuck up. j00 PHAIL. You waste my time and my ten fukken dallahs, betch. you and your lack of a sense of humor.

26. Driver's Ed Words of the Day

2009-01-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 17, 2007
1. Idiocyncracies
2. ADD
3. side bar
4. sunroof
5. drifting (mind)
6. IAN?
7. too soft
8. behavior change
9. Haili, Halai?

23. Desire

2009-01-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

Monday, October 15, 2007
I want you to use me. Use me for whatever you want. make me feel you. Touch you taste you. I want you to tease me. Make me crazy. Touch me, feel me. Grope, grab and poke me. I desire you in the most violently playful way. In a completely volatile case of animal magnetism, I want you. I don't love you. I don't even really feel for you anymore. You may be a friend, but it doesn't matter to me anymoree. I am driven by pure lust, regardless of whether or not I truly felt anything for you at all.

24. Twenty-Four Things I Wish I Could Hate

2009-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

Friday, October 12, 2007
1. You
2. Your laugh
3. smile
4. hair
5. humor
6. eyes
7. arms
8. legs
9. hips
10. waist
11. voice
12. name
13. jokes
14. sunglasses
15. skillz
16. <3
17. bite
18. warmth
19. smell
20. taste
21. fun
22. fascination
23. touch
24. feel

23. The Things You Fear The Most

2009-01-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

Friday, October 12, 2007
-Failure - as a student, friend, significant other, relative, cousin, sister, daughter, actor, writer, as everything.
Not only in school, like failing a test, but failure as a person in the world. Not being able to survive; physically, mentally and emotionally. Not making it as a whatever I end up being.

- Being Forgotten - in general. With every detail forgotten about me, I feel less like a person. Like I am not even worth the little space of memory. I try really hard to remember things about people, so when people forget me, it hurts.

-Being Abandoned - mostly by my friends. I don't think that I would be able to stand it if I was thrown away by my friends. I really try to keep them happy or amused so that they'll keep me around.

- Not Belonging - around anywhere. Somethings I really have that feeling. Like I don't belong here. I want to hide in a corner and be alone. At least I don't feel AS awkward with myself than I do around others.

- Being a Bother - to everyone. Ever had that "everyone hates me" feeling? I feel that regularly. Like I irritate people and once I walk away, everyone is happy because I'm gone. I always feel like I'm irritating everyone...probably because I irritate myself.

22. Food, Glorious, Food

2008-12-14T00:36:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Manago's Pork Chips
Manago's Hamburger Steak
Hilo Hawaiian's Kalbi
Sputnik's Korean Chicken
Blane's French Fries
Kalua Pig
Ken's Sumo Grindah
IHOP's Monster Cheeseburger
Rice
Jack in the Box's Cheese Fries
Outback Steakhouse's Bloomin' Onion
Arby's Baked Potato
Island Infusion's Roast Beef
Lanky's Cupcakes
Koji's Steak and Onions
Hilo Lunch Shop's Fried Chicken
McDonald's Snack

21. Dreamer/non-believer

2008-12-14T00:14:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I want to be a punk rock star. I want to be an actress. I want to write, read, play, act, dance and just have fun in life. I want to be great; I want to be remembered. I am a dreamer. I wish for and want to dream; I want to be idealistic and creative and interesting.
I am a poser punk. I am a shitty actress. I write bad poetry, rarely read, play an unplugged electric bass, act in plays with two lines, dance by myself and sit alone, bored at home. I'm mediocre and easily forgotten. I am a non-believer, a realist in denial. I don't know how to dream. I am limited and unoriginal and boring.
Who I am is very different from what I want to be. I try to be an artist, but I'm too much of a cynic to believe in any creativity that could possibly be within me. I don't believe in myself, but worse, I have lost faith in others. Life has lost faith in me.
I can no longer dream of the glorious future. I don't have the energy to lie to myself anymore. Life is nothing but what we do before we die.

20. GazTak, the awkward Invader

2008-12-14T00:08:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

MADNESS
why is his head so big?
I think I've broken my spin...AHH, MY SPINE!!
I <3 You, cold unfeeling robot arm
worse, or better? o.O
like radioactive rubber pants!
DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!!!
I will rain misery down upon your pizza stealing heart
Valentines MEATS
Poke of Dooom
Hey, that kid's throwing punch!
Make room for the tuna!
I miss you, cupcake
GIR? What's the "G" stand for?
i DON'T know
It's not stupid, it's ADVANCED
I'm bakin' the cake!
You don't like waffles!
I'm gonna sing the DOOM song now
Can I be a mongoose dog?
More organs means more human
SPACE MEAT o/o\o/o\o/o\o
we like rain, we like rain, splash, splash, splash, fun, fun, fun, rain, rain, rain
I hope you like NIGHTMAREWORLD!
The wettening o.O

19. Word Weaponry

2008-11-22T00:41:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, October 9, 2007
these words
fall out of my voice
like rain from clouds
to fall upon your fragile frame
to break you
to hate you
to save you
As you never did for me
and as my spiked syllables
pierce your delicate skin
to repent your sins against my kind
and I'll attack with my violent verbs
my weapons made from my words
my acid will burn away your hiding place
and my cutting consonants will ruin your pretty face
there'll be no where for you to go
to hide or run away

18. Anthems of a Seventeen Year Old Girl

2008-11-22T00:36:00.000-08:00

Friday, October 5, 2007
Finally, the song that I've enjoyed for two years now fits my age. And oddly enough, at this age of seventeen, I now feel like I understand and can relate to things song. After watching my friend's amateur movie in which this song was the most memorable, I became fascinated with this song. Theon was my influence and my hero when this song played. I was artistic and abstract and at peace; everything fell into place. For those four minutes, I could see the past play before my eyes and I could see the future unfold. I was happy. Theon was filming, we were all growing up and out. Finally, I could really feel the song.I could speak those words and really understand for once. And it all came together at once. It wasn't about the words of Broken Social Scene, nor was it about me. It was about all of us and everything around us. We were all there and alove. We were

now you're all gone, got your makeup on and you're not coming back

17. Mike

2008-11-22T00:29:00.000-08:00

Friday, October 5, 2007
You know, perhaps it was a mistake to even talk to you. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered. I just thought that you were amusing. I thought that you could be friends with me. But fine, ignore me. Forget me. Erase every word I spoke to you. Please just leave me alone, because I don't want your bitter reminders and I don't want to see you with, around, talking to, or looking at her. Please just leave me alone. You don' have to be nice, or even to notice me at all. I guess that I'm not as cool as you said I was if I'm not even worth your time and attention. I'm not even worth it at all. I guess I'm nothing much to you, because I'm young. Because I'm a boring and violent and irritating. I'm just a useless bother. Maybe its better that you don't come around. I'd ignore your presence anyway.

16. Regression and Breaking

2008-11-22T00:22:00.000-08:00

Thursday, October 4, 2007
I hate how you make me feel somethings, not because I feel so high schoolish, but because you're not supposed to, I'm not supposed to feel for you at all, and yet I do. I have walked away from other friends to sit next to you. I go out of my way to talk to you, and I'd always try to hug you. I just wanted to be close to you. I burned my bridges for you. I took your side. I defended you. But all for naught. Because I don't get those "happy to see you" smiles. I don't hear the happiness in your voice when I'm around. I don't get the "it's so nice to feel you" hugs. I get nothing from you. Not even the few weords that you give to everyone else. But that's okay. I know that I don't mean much to you. I know that you really don't give a fuck about me. I get it, and I got it before. I wish I could have figured it out earlier, but you know what? I'm okay. f you refuse to leave me a place in your life, then I refuse to give you one in mine. If you don't want to give me a damn minute of your time, or even a real sentence, then I won't gve you anything either. I don't need to mean anything to you, because you're already nothing to me.